My 29th year of life

Since I more than likely will not get to or not want to blog before I turn 30, here it is.

If you were to tell me what my life would be like this year I would have laughed and said classically "yeah right"  but little did I know that this year would be life changing for me.

So many incredible things have happened, getting my Master's degree, getting engaged and my favorite, the birth of my daughter Aubrey.  She truly has changed my life in so many ways and since this is my "get-hot-mom-fitness-blog" instead of spending this time talking about all of the things I am thankful for, since I have been doing that every day for the past 28, I think it's time to be real about my fitness.

First of all, this is the first Thanksgiving in a long time that I can actually say I have no eating "rules", I am not going to leave anything off of my plate, I am not going to limit my calories, I am not going to track anything, I am not going to feel guilty and I sure as hell am not going to spend countless hours in the gym doing cardio until I want to stab people in the face.  Going along with how Aubrey has changed me, she has also taught me many things and one of those things is that I need to learn balance.

Do I want to compete again? Yes
Do I still have bad habits? Yes
Do I still feel bad when I eat something not so healthy? yes

The difference though, which has also been confirmed by my loving fiancé is that it isn't the same as it was last year.  He has told me that my habits aren't the same, aren't as extreme and for someone with severe thought disorders that is music to my ears.  I never thought of it in the way that he described and it made me really think to myself, wow I really have come very far!

My confession in this blog is that for an entire month I will be on a gym strike, a workout strike and a feel bad for myself strike.  I decided that I needed to focus more on my eating habits, and my thought process.  I have been making weekly (obtainable) goals, not depriving myself and not weighing myself.  I will however eventually take that tape measure back out and when the month is over I will bust out the scale but until then it was just all too much for my brain to handle.  Not to mention trying to spend every minute I can with my daughter.

I could do home workouts, I could do a lot of things but for ME, taking out that aspect was what I needed even though some days I thought maybe it wasn't the best choice.  Halfway in and I am glad I haven't given up.

What I hope to gain out of this month is the ability to track just calories, not fat, sodium, carbs, protein, sugar an so on.  I also want to see how good water can be for me and although sometimes I want to chuck my water bottle across Broadway I know at the end of the day I feel better knowing the only thing I drank all day was water.  Balance is another huge thing for me and by not having any "rules" learning how to eat things in moderation and not binging.  I am proud to say that I haven't binged in a very long time.

So how is all of this going to tie into doing another competition?  I think my intentions for my first one were to get the things out of the paragraph above not realizing I would get none of those things.  What I hope is that before I attempt to do a competition again that I am able to understand the strictness of the dieting and training for the allotted time and that I will not need a meal plan the rest of my life because I WANT to be healthy, I want a healthy body and I do not need to go to extremes to get it.  It is a lifestyle change and NOT a diet.  So, although I am keeping track of calories I am nowhere near being on a diet because being on a diet for me means a lot of negative words and I would rather end the day on a positive note!

Now...off to a great Thanksgiving dinner with family!

What they don't tell you

I remember like it was yesterday, the day I took a pregnancy test, the morning after when I took another one and it was still positive.  That day changed my life forever and I had no idea that I would be the person I am right now sitting at this laptop typing this. 

There are a few things though that just rubbed me in ridiculous ways while preggo.  All of a sudden everyone that I encountered became experts on pregnancy, how I should think feel and look all became these "knowns" among so many people.  From the woman who had 5 kids telling me that they grow up fast to the guy cashing out at the gas station purchasing a 6 pack and some cigarettes telling me I look like I am about to explode when I had 4 months of pregnancy left.  Without fail someone ALWAYS said something to me regardless if I asked or not.  No one cared.  It was an immediate oh wow, she's pregnant she must know that I am an expert on everything related to being pregnant and parenthood. 

Funny thing is, for the things they always tell you; "you're going to get morning sickness" "they grow up fast" "get the epidural" "you're having a boy aren't you?" "you're having a girl aren't you" "you are showing high it must be a girl" "you are showing low it must be a girl" "you look like you are about to pop" "get your sleep now" "breastfeeding burns so many calories" "you will lose the weight faster if you breastfeed" the list goes on, there are so many things they didn't tell me.  So I have decided to write a blog about it because clearly it's something that has been on my mind.  Below you will find things that they don't tell you about pregnancy and parenthood!

(1)  Your birth plan is going to go no where near as planned so you are better off just not making one.  Seriously, birthing classes are great and all and they prepare you for a lot of things but it's highly unpredictable how the birth is going to go so having a plan and not even be able to follow any of it is really disappointing.  What they should emphasize is going in with an open mind, rip the birth plan up because that baby is going to decide how things go

(2) Epidural's aren't at all what they are talked up to be.  I was left feeling extremely numb for most of my lower half even BEFORE they had to do the emergency C-section.  I understand it affects everyone differently but this was something I didn't expect.  I also have no idea what a vaginal birth is like so I guess I can't really compare or throw these statements out there but still...when the doctor told me it wasn't meant to completely numb me, pardon me when it did I was a little upset.  Not to mention they never told me I would shake so bad I would feel like I was dying

(3) You will love your significant other so much you will want 60 other children.  Seriously I don't know if it was the Percocet's or what but damn I was in dream land.  Although I still really do want 60 kids.  I told him I wanted to be like the mother on 19 kids and counting, the joy Aubrey has brought me makes me understand why she has had so many kids and why most families choose to have more.  Being a mom is more amazing than I have ever imagined and yeah I guess I love Andrew a lot but damn I was like an angel the first few weeks

(4) In a month you will hate your significant other and want to be a single mom especially if you are breastfeeding.  The first few weeks were the hardest in my life and as I watched Andrew sleeping as Aubrey was eating every 45 minutes I wanted to throw rocks at him.  She wasn't taking a bottle because we didn't want the nipple confusion so it was all me, all the time.  3 months later and I am so glad I never gave up because I know she loves me more than anything in the world and to see her look at me and smile brings me so much joy and love

(5)  You will cry at every little thing.  Seriously, Aubrey grew out of clothes and I cried.  She cried and I cried.  I will say they were right about them growing up really fast!  Now every milestone she has is another emotional episode for myself

(6)  You really do not lose a crazy amount of weight while breastfeeding.  I am not saying this is everyone but for me it is just not happening and it is frustrating

(7) You will have to deal with being a controversial mother if you so choose to be with certain topics.  These topics include, but are not limited to; vaccinations, pacifiers, co-sleeping, bed-sharing, length of breastfeeding, falling asleep at the nipple, using the nipple as a pacifier, baby spoiling, weaning, feeding solids, TV watching and even how often you are changing a diaper

(8) You will have a hard time being away from your baby even if he or she is just with your significant other in the same rom

Those are the ones I can think of so far but I have to stop because I can't stand not interacting with my daughter even though like in number 8 states she is in the same room with me as daddy but I miss her!!! 

Mommy Confessions

It has been quite some time since I was here and a lot has happened since.  I have the most beautiful baby in the world, come on you can't deny that, I mean have you SEEN the little mermaid photo? 

Being a mom is not easy, I definitely have a new found respect for those who have more than one child and never in my life did I think I would love being a mother so much!  I know I have a high needs baby, one that loves attention, loves being held and just loves her mommy and daddy so much, but, as my father reminded me last night, I wouldn't want it any other way.  As a mom, every day is different, moods are different, activities are different and somehow even I feel different.  She is nearly 11 weeks old (10/28/13 she will be) and to this day I STILL cry when I look at her but lately it has been more than just that.  It has been me constantly thinking, am I a good mom? Am I doing enough?  Is she getting everything that she needs? 

The biggest challenge for me thus far has been breastfeeding and I think it will always be my number one thing when someone asks me what the most difficult thing I had to do in my life would be.  Now though that I have gotten past those really tough three weeks where all she wants to do is be on the nip, is NIP-Nursing in public.  I think I make it a bigger deal than it has to be but it's much different nursing on my lap, trying to be modest and not having my huge ass boob hanging out, trying to get her to latch, trying to figure out how to hold her without a boppy and making her happy all at the same time.  For the attempts I have made thus far I am proud but they still left me feeling like I wasn't to par as a mom.

Aubrey is still so young but I also feel like she is growing like a week and not just physically but mentally and the things she is already capable of doing like grasping, recognizing us and holding her head up.  It kills me putting aside clothes she has already grown out of and at any situation in which I could cry, I do.  I was always an EMO person but now I feel like there are three babies in the house instead of just one.

Another thing that has gotten me off track are my healthy habits.  Once I was able to go to the gym I was super stoked and so excited to pick up the weights but then something happened.  As I waited for Andrew to get home from work, as I watched the clock tick by and even on days I had to work in the morning, I realized (as I cried) I didn't want to leave her again or even if I had all day with her by the time Andrew did get home all I wanted to do was stay and be with my family.  For the history I have with eating and exercise it was a very difficult thing for me to swallow and I have spent the past week eating junk and not lifting a single weight thinking about how I can find balance in my life.  Unfortunately I think I will always have ED in the back of my mind bringing me down in all the right circumstances and in another part of my mind I see myself up on stage winning a trophy but I still haven't figured out balance.

Home workouts and I are a thing of the past, it helped me lose a ton of weight in my senior year of high school but once I got into weight lifting I never looked back.  Everytime I try do them now I think to myself, sweet I have all day to do this and then suddenly I am putting on my pajamas..SHIT haha and it never gets done so now things have to change and they have to change permanently because I refuse to raise my daughter with the thought process I have.  I want her to grow up and low eating healthy, love being active and love herself for who she is inside and out.

So Andrew and I have decided to step it up a notch, challenge each other and figured out ways to make it fun, but healthy and not extreme.  What I hope to accomplish is a large amount of weight loss but also trying to use the mirror and old clothes as a gauge instead of the scale.  The scale will always be evil and so my goal is to not step on it until the end of November.  December 5th I will be 30 and I another goal is to start off that year of my life healthy and not "let's see how much junk I can fit into my mouth before midnight"

So my confessions are; I am not perfect, motherhood is tough, I want to be a stay at home mom eventually, I hate when I have to leave my princess, it kills me to hear her cry in the backseat when we are driving, I sometimes feel like I am not a good mother, I sometimes wonder if she thinks I am, my heart melts every time she stops nursing to look up at me and smile, I have compromised my health and well being too much for too long, I am afraid of my old habits, I am afraid Aubrey will learn my old habits, I am afraid I won't be able to balance myself, I am sick of everyones opinions on how to raise my daughter, sometimes I don't think I am doing enough and most importantly I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't reverse time and I most certainly do not want to speed it up.  If Aubrey has taught me anything, other than patience, it's to live in the now, in the moment, stop trying to figure out the future and to most certainly stop worrying about the past.  The best thing that has even happened to me is her and I am also super excited to share these times and moments with Ami, an amazing friend of mine who is also having a little girl in TN.  We are serious souls sisters, separated at birth FOR SURE!!

I have just begun my journey into motherhood and I know that once I figure out this balance with working out and eating healthy for a lifestyle change I will feel so much better because I know how good I feel when I make healthy choices. 

I do not want to reveal too much of my goals or post pictures until I am confident within myself again but definitely stay tuned :)

Little miss fussy pants

This is a face I frequently see with Aubrey.  As much as I don't want to admit it, she is a fussy baby.  She likes to be held and she KNOWS when she is no longer in human arms or is about to be put down.  She also likes to eat, like her mom, frequently, and snacks too.  She is only 1 month and has already displayed more habits of her mothers than I could ever imagine :)  My little mini me, I wouldn't have it any other way.  Sleeping has gotten better and although some nights are better than others she loves to sleep on me.  I have to admit, I love it too, I mean why the hell not?  We sleep on the couch so I always keep her on the side where she can not fall on the floor.  I trust myself with her in doing so and I have not dropped her or rolled over on her since doing it pretty much from day one.  She just does NOT appreciate sleeping alone and who could blame her, with the heat, touch and closeness of another human being!?!

Some days are worse than others such as last night when nothing made her happy but she also is a happy baby as documented by the picture below:

I have already told my parents "any baby after her will be easy"  In reality though she really isn't that bad at all.  I mean hell I could have a baby 10x worse who cries hours on end or doesn't like anyone but me so really I can't complain too much, I think she is an average fussy baby but for the first time mom seems a little extreme. 

 

So in an attempt to lose this baby weight in a timely manner today I officially weighed in at 10 pounds away from my pre baby weight.  I am really proud of myself.  I also have Ginelle to thank for making me some really awesome and healthy dishes and not giving me a reason to eat like shit.  I do have to admit I have at least 1 ice capp with whipped cream on it every day and one day I even had 2, which was the day after I gloated because I didn't get another, lmao yeah the next day I was super pissed off and realized I deserved one.  Overall I have been tracking what I have been eating, but not being obsessive.  I have been tracking calories but not being obsessive.  I feel really good about all of these things because the old me had a huge eating disorder and although I understand it will never go away having Aubrey has definitely make it so much better.  I realized that I was consuming WAY too much sugar and it could have been why she was being so fussy at night and not sleeping well.  I feel bad for 3 weeks I ate like shit and basically so did she. 

 

I have been walking with her a lot more than usual and along with the better eating habits it has been going well.  I have been trying to go a few times a week for at least 30 minutes and this week I made it out 3x hoping to get out tomorrow if it doesn't rain. 

 

It's so crazy how in so little time I have come to know my babys cues, her cries and have been able to distinguish what she wants/needs.  I have also successfully learned that in order to go to the store I have to time it just perfectly so that the car ride makes her fall asleep.

 

I am still so in love her with and have been highly considering be a SAHM for the majority of the time.  I am going to go back to work for my dad in the next few weeks 2-3 days max and my fiancé and I are trying to figure out how to make it work.  For the purpose of being extremely real and not putting out a bunch of fake shit, I am going to take the test to be licensed in NYS for my LMSW and this is not to say I won't ever work again in my life but for no taking care of my LO is the only thing I really want to do and feel passionate about other than my fitness life which is coming back at just the perfect pace.

 

Things might not always be in the right place, things may not go my way and there may be ups and downs but I am truly blessed and thankful for everyone and everything that I have! 

Pure Happiness

On Monday August 12th, 2013 Aubrey Vance St.Laurent was born at 12:50pm and my life changed forever.  I previously put my birthing experience on another blog so I will not re-hash that.  I never knew that finally having her in my arms would change my perceptions on everything.  I was always the one to say "I will never be a stay at home mom" but that day, every time I looked at her I cried.  3 weeks later and I still cry. 

I have never in my life cried so many happy tears.  She is amazing and since I am EBF (exclusively breast feeding) I am starting to see the bond that we are creating.  Being an EBF mother has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do, feeding on demand, sometimes every half hour for 45 minutes other times every hour for a half hour, never really the same.  I am beyond sleep deprived as she will only sleep 1.5 hours, 2 max during the night but I wouldn't change any of it.  She makes time slow down for me, makes me realize how precious every second of life is, makes me appreciate every moment of life, the good and the bad and makes me realize life is not a race and there is no need to think about tomrorow when all we have is right now and although sometimes I get crabby, I am genuinely happy with life...finally.

I also got engaged!!!!!!!!!!

Life seriously couldn't be any better right now.  I love being a mom and now I am a fiancé and have a fiancé! It's so crazy! I am so blessed and so thankful for the life I have!

So....25 days have passed and I will say this if it's one MAJOR thing I have learned for the next child I have is to be smart like my friend Carmen and pre make a shit ton of meals for when I come home because there is just NO time to do any of that.  Andrew and I lived off of pizza and baked goods for a long time, my water intake decreased and my diet went to shit basically, no sugar coating it because I consumed a crap load of enough sugar everyday  to make me wonder why Aubrey is fussy some days, because she gets what I give and lately it has not been good.

This new blog is to identify some things I need to change so I can be a fit and sexy mom and possibly compete again, but more than likely not until next year if I do decide to do it.  Since I am EBF I can not afford to be on a crazy ass diet so my goal is to get healthy, and thanks to my good friend Ginelle I have a head start because she made me sooooo much clean food!  I am so grateful for her and all of the friends I have that care.  I am also so  thankful for my fiancé being able to take demands with a flinch and doing everything he can to make sure I have what I need and my daughter and I are happy.

I haven't weighed myself since last week but so far am down about 20 pounds since giving birth and need to ditch another 14 to get to pre pregnancy weight.  If I do 1 pound a week I can meet that goal by my birthday! 

Goals
- Down 20 pounds by my (30th-ahhhhh) birthday 12/5/2013
-be able to see visible difference via photos
-drink at LEAST the minimal amount of water each day (eight 8oz glasses), crazy that I used to drink a gallon a day, I would go crazy trying to do that now because trips to the bathroom are far and few inbetween with a newborn
-healthy meals as much as possible but not breaking down if I have a treat here and there
-take it day by day
-positive affirmations
-continue to take life slow and appreciate every moment