It has been quite some time since I was here and a lot has happened since. I have the most beautiful baby in the world, come on you can't deny that, I mean have you SEEN the little mermaid photo?
Being a mom is not easy, I definitely have a new found respect for those who have more than one child and never in my life did I think I would love being a mother so much! I know I have a high needs baby, one that loves attention, loves being held and just loves her mommy and daddy so much, but, as my father reminded me last night, I wouldn't want it any other way. As a mom, every day is different, moods are different, activities are different and somehow even I feel different. She is nearly 11 weeks old (10/28/13 she will be) and to this day I STILL cry when I look at her but lately it has been more than just that. It has been me constantly thinking, am I a good mom? Am I doing enough? Is she getting everything that she needs?
The biggest challenge for me thus far has been breastfeeding and I think it will always be my number one thing when someone asks me what the most difficult thing I had to do in my life would be. Now though that I have gotten past those really tough three weeks where all she wants to do is be on the nip, is NIP-Nursing in public. I think I make it a bigger deal than it has to be but it's much different nursing on my lap, trying to be modest and not having my huge ass boob hanging out, trying to get her to latch, trying to figure out how to hold her without a boppy and making her happy all at the same time. For the attempts I have made thus far I am proud but they still left me feeling like I wasn't to par as a mom.
Aubrey is still so young but I also feel like she is growing like a week and not just physically but mentally and the things she is already capable of doing like grasping, recognizing us and holding her head up. It kills me putting aside clothes she has already grown out of and at any situation in which I could cry, I do. I was always an EMO person but now I feel like there are three babies in the house instead of just one.
Another thing that has gotten me off track are my healthy habits. Once I was able to go to the gym I was super stoked and so excited to pick up the weights but then something happened. As I waited for Andrew to get home from work, as I watched the clock tick by and even on days I had to work in the morning, I realized (as I cried) I didn't want to leave her again or even if I had all day with her by the time Andrew did get home all I wanted to do was stay and be with my family. For the history I have with eating and exercise it was a very difficult thing for me to swallow and I have spent the past week eating junk and not lifting a single weight thinking about how I can find balance in my life. Unfortunately I think I will always have ED in the back of my mind bringing me down in all the right circumstances and in another part of my mind I see myself up on stage winning a trophy but I still haven't figured out balance.
Home workouts and I are a thing of the past, it helped me lose a ton of weight in my senior year of high school but once I got into weight lifting I never looked back. Everytime I try do them now I think to myself, sweet I have all day to do this and then suddenly I am putting on my pajamas..SHIT haha and it never gets done so now things have to change and they have to change permanently because I refuse to raise my daughter with the thought process I have. I want her to grow up and low eating healthy, love being active and love herself for who she is inside and out.
So Andrew and I have decided to step it up a notch, challenge each other and figured out ways to make it fun, but healthy and not extreme. What I hope to accomplish is a large amount of weight loss but also trying to use the mirror and old clothes as a gauge instead of the scale. The scale will always be evil and so my goal is to not step on it until the end of November. December 5th I will be 30 and I another goal is to start off that year of my life healthy and not "let's see how much junk I can fit into my mouth before midnight"
So my confessions are; I am not perfect, motherhood is tough, I want to be a stay at home mom eventually, I hate when I have to leave my princess, it kills me to hear her cry in the backseat when we are driving, I sometimes feel like I am not a good mother, I sometimes wonder if she thinks I am, my heart melts every time she stops nursing to look up at me and smile, I have compromised my health and well being too much for too long, I am afraid of my old habits, I am afraid Aubrey will learn my old habits, I am afraid I won't be able to balance myself, I am sick of everyones opinions on how to raise my daughter, sometimes I don't think I am doing enough and most importantly I love my daughter more than anything in the world, I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't reverse time and I most certainly do not want to speed it up. If Aubrey has taught me anything, other than patience, it's to live in the now, in the moment, stop trying to figure out the future and to most certainly stop worrying about the past. The best thing that has even happened to me is her and I am also super excited to share these times and moments with Ami, an amazing friend of mine who is also having a little girl in TN. We are serious souls sisters, separated at birth FOR SURE!!
I have just begun my journey into motherhood and I know that once I figure out this balance with working out and eating healthy for a lifestyle change I will feel so much better because I know how good I feel when I make healthy choices.
I do not want to reveal too much of my goals or post pictures until I am confident within myself again but definitely stay tuned :)
